A Guide to Flirting
by Cormag Ravenstaff
Summary: Inigo needs help with flirting. And Old Hubba has the solution. Oneshot.


**You probably shouldn't take any of this fic seriously.**

* * *

Inigo was desperate.

No, that wasn't the word. Perhaps agonized? Yes, that's a good choice.

Inigo was agonized over his latest ephemeral attempts at flirting. Unlike the typical rejection, Severa had decided to let her retribution be known to all.

And that was the oh-so-very brief story of how Inigo got his black eye.

He'd tried everything to woo the woman he'd had his eyes on for years. Sure Inigo flirted with other girls, but couldn't she see that he only truly meant it when talking to her?

Inigo was ireful, not towards Severa, but towards himself. Was he lacking something? Was it him, or just not meant to be?

He needed help. The kind of help that commanded experience, and skill in the matters of women.

Inigo sought out Old Hubba.

* * *

Inigo passed by the Anna at the Outrealm Gate, not even sparing a flirtatious glance her way. He was a man on a mission, determined to claim the heart of the woman he loved.

Having the expertise to navigate the Outrealms, it did not take Inigo long to get to Old Hubba's shack. The place looked as run-down as ever.

The door creaked as he knocked, swinging open an inch. The young dancer could hear Old Hubba walking to the door, grumbling, "Balderdash! Youngin's don't know nothin' about beauty rest."

Hubba's house opened up to Inigo, with an angry elderly man standing in the doorway with an exasperated frown.

"Boy?" he questioned, not offering any form of courtesy.

"I need your help," Inigo said, cutting straight to the point. "I need your help in the matters of women. I understand you claim to be a master of the ladies."

Old Hubba's eyebrows went wide, and he sputtered, "You come in 'ere and ruin my beauty rest? I'm not gonna give you any help!"

Inigo fell to his knees in a fit of passion, and plead with his elder, "Please! It's an emergency."

Old Hubba, not wanting let out the secret that he _wasn't_ a master of the ladies, gave the man a ponder. He thought around his head for the best solution that would get the man off his back, and save _his_ reputation.

"Fine," grumbled Old Hubba. "I'll let you talk with my trusted disciples."

In a flourish that denied every constraint Inigo's mind had about the mobility of Old Hubba, the elderly chap brandished several Einherjar cards.

"Return 'em when you're done. Now let me sleep!" he cried slamming the door. The poor wood couldn't take that abuse, and it fell from the hinges. Old Hubba looked at the door that now lay on the ground, utterly defeated. "Dangnabbit."

Inigo, not paying attention to the old man, went about using the Einherjar cards.

The first brought forth a man that stood tall in green armor. His name was Sain.

The second brought a woman wreathed in a blue mantle. Her name was Heather.

The last brought a priest garbed in white. His name was Saul.

"Famed flirts of the past, I call upon you in my time of need!" Inigo wailed, falling to his knees.

All three of the Einherjar were taken aback by the man who had called on their aid. Sain was the first to speak, "Um…who are we fighting?"

Inigo shook his head, "I don't need your battle prowess. I need your skill in the art of wooing women!"

The three looked at one another, and shrugged. They were all very good with the ladies, to some degree or another.

Though they had never been called upon for it.

"So let me get this straight," Sain began. "You want our help getting your girl to like you?"

"Yes!" Inigo cried.

"And you can't do this yourself?" Heather cocked her head to the side, puzzled.

"Er…no, I can't," Inigo admitted. "I need a…second opinion. But wait, why are you here? I expected help from guys, no offense," he tacked on at the end, just in case.

Heather gave him a sly look, and smirked. Inigo needed no further context.

"Fear not, my boy!" the last one, Saul proclaimed. "Back in my day, I was quite good at getting the ladies. With me on your side, you'll be sleeping with that girl by the end of the night!"

"Aren't you a priest?" Inigo asked.

Saul waved a hand, "Bah, I don't think God would want me to forgo the pleasures of a woman's company just because I'm one of His servants."

"But doesn't that violate—" Inigo began, but was hushed by Sain.

"Just show us this girl you were talking about," Sain sighed.

* * *

From the bushes, the four of them looked over the Shepherd's camp. Severa was sharpening her blade in perfect view of the quartet.

"You were right, she is quite attractive," Sain said.

"Ravishing," heather breathed, unable to take her eyes off the red haired woman.

"If I weren't dead, I'd try my chances with her," Saul mused.

It was at this moment, Inigo realized getting help from flirts might not have been the best idea.

Thankfully, his fears went unfounded as the three turned towards him and said, "We've got a plan."

They exchanged glances, and let Sain go first. The green knight cleared his throat, "So, the way I see it, the way to go is flattery. Walk right up and shower her with praise! But make sure you use original compliments, that way she feels special."

Heather shook her head, "Steal her something nice. That way you've shown that you're willing to defy the law in order to please her. Women like that, a man who's willing to go to such lengths for her."

Saul shrugged, "If it were me, I'd just ask her to go on a walk with me. I'd plot out a path through the nearest romantic area. And as we approached the most beautiful place, I'd steer the conversation so I could ask her to dinner that night."

Inigo, stumped by the three different plans, scratched his chin in thought. How was he to decide which plan would work best! Sain's was old fashioned, but Inigo could think up original material. Heather's felt rather illegal, but perhaps you had to break a few rules to get a girl? Saul's seemed reliable enough, though Severa wouldn't take so readily on the idea.

Luckily, he wouldn't have to decide.

Severa, who had been close enough to hear the entire conversation, walked right up to Inigo and grabbed his ear. Leaning down close, she said, "Inigo, is there something you'd like to tell me?"

Completely out of his depth, Inigo fumbled. Unfortunately, his three flirtatious companions came to his rescue.

"We were catching bugs!"

"We were burying treasure!"

"We were meditating!"

None of these responses convinced cynical Severa. She dragged Inigo away and groaned, "For the last time Inigo, I said no."

"I just thought…" Inigo trailed off, utterly defeated.

The dancer looked like a beaten puppy, and Severa found her heart protesting her treatment of him. It was an odd feeling, and Severa did not like it one bit.

"Fine!" she nearly screamed. "I will go with you to dinner JUST THIS ONCE. Is that clear?"

Inigo, who recovered with a performer's ease, smirked, "Indeed!"

This, of course, was followed by cheering from the three watchers.

* * *

Inigo and Severa walked away, presumably to do something important. That left Sain, Heather and Saul with nothing to do.

But it was then they looked around the camp, and saw the vast number of ladies that had not been graced by their presence. It is said great minds think alike, so they had a similar reaction.

"Oh beauteous flower!"

"Girl, you are as golden as all that gold you've got!"

"Ah! I see you're a woman of the cloth, like me. May I have your name, or better yet, your company?" Saul cried.

Libra sighed. Some things never change.

* * *

 **Author Note: None of this should be taken seriously. This is an idea that's been playing around in my mind for a month or two.**

 **And Hammer, I believe you had a similar idea. Sorry for writing this, hopefully it's not too similar!**


End file.
